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Purging

For some strange reason, I had the urge to clean out an old filing cabinet that I haven't opened in years. It was an interesting, bittersweet experience, and I am having a tough time coming to grips with this shift in perspective.

You see, while it felt good to get rid of boxes of paper that no longer had any use or purpose, and purging and minimizing are very attractive activities right now, I now feel that I have lost something precious that I will never be able to recover.  I love simplifying, paring down to the things that are really useful, joyful and purposeful. But as I sorted through craft ideas, photos, articles and correspondences from long ago, I felt that I was letting go of more than pieces of paper.  I was letting go of dreams, plans, friends, hopes and a big piece of myself.

Yes, I know that I will never knit my children sweaters with cute little giraffes and dinosaurs; not only did I never achieve this level of competence, but my children are now adults who  don't wear sweaters, much less sweaters with adorable animals featured prominently.  There is no way that I will stencil my kitchen with cute Early American patterns, although stencils did adorn my walls at one time. I have no need for an afghan, much less one embroidered with pretty roses, but tossing those patterns was melancholic.

I get it.  You see, it is not the thought that I cannot do these crafts, but that I never WILL. I am closing a door.  I am surrendering to time, giving up on aspirations that are now tossed in the recycle bin and goals that I now know that I will never achieve. I do not WANT these plaid pillows, painted flower pots and frilly valances, but at one time I did! And those hopes just slipped through my fingers years ago. I was so busy that I did not stop to make ever have time for them.

Also in the drawers were letters, cards and photos from a time so long ago that they took my breath away. Of course I reread letters from friends who are no longer with us, and those with whom I have lost touch. It was heartbreaking to read letters from those who were such a big part of life long ago, and especially those who promised love, support and happily-ever-after, only to disappoint. It was depressing to read poems imagined when I was a teen, expecting that life would present opportunities to change the world. It was shocking to see pictures of myself at 20, full of confidence and sure that I would achieve great things.

So yes, I did achieve what I set out to do: I cleaned out a filing cabinet, and pared down to those projects that I may some day achieve. But along the way, I gave up a piece of myself. I surrendered to a more realistic future, albeit a shorter one.  But, I also revisited the person I once was, so many years ago, and she reminded me that maybe there is still time for a few more achievable goals.  I am not complete yet!

Maybe I just need another filing cabinet......??


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